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Scholarship Winner! (5/2/05)

I'd like to start by saying not only did I completely forget about the deadline for the scholarship, I forgot about the scholarship itself...and this website too actually. However it all works out because at this point I'm sure all you bastards that sent me emails are boycotting my site at this point for never updating. Well I'd like to offer you this in appeasement: I HATE YOU...wait, I mean, I went back through all these damn things and picked a winner. To view the winning article CLICK HERE. Now its back to never updating. By the way, I really do hate you.


Scholarship (2/13/05)

Ever since this website got its start in ye olde times it has existed for one purpose: education. I can't imagine the world without my knowledge leading the way, because I don't have an imagination. TV works fine for me. Anyways, education is why this site is here, and as such The Deave has decided to offer a "The Deave's Scholarship of Educational Writing" To apply for this honor of honors simply write a short article about whatever you want. Include your name and why you think you should get the scholarship. Remember, make it funny, because if I don't laugh, it gets trashed. The winning article shall be decided on March 27, 2005 and it will be posted on this website; thus the composer of it can die happy...and not be able to use the scholarship. So go, write stuff, and try and win money. Use this article as a reference, its loaded with misplaced commas and sentence fragments!
All files should be sent to horns08633@aol.com and MUST include the subject "THE DEAVE SCHOLARSHIP"


Theories (10/5/04)

Alright, I was reviewing some conversations I've been having with some of my friends and I was made aware by a nuetral party that I have a very 'warped' view of reality. So naturally I bitch slapped the taste out of that asshole's mouth and told him he was wrong, BUT I agreed to post my theories of the world on this site so that the public could respond and judge accordingly. So here we go kids, The Deave's take on life is as follows: That about does it for this week kids. Sure there is more to do and say, but since I only devote about 5 mins to this site every 3 months...


The Village sucks (10/5/04)

M. Night Shyamalan's The Village is garbage. The original title was gonna be "Doug Flutie Jr's Amish Halloween" because it ultimately is an $8 trade to see a retard run in the woods in a costume. This movie is truly a shit factory. See, I thought along the lines of Signs, where at the end the werewolf thing would be gone and would somehow tie people together and make the audience reflect on moral values or religion or something; well I wasn?t even close. It turns out the horrible monster is just pissed off old people that are hell bent on ruining other?s youth just because their family died and they went nuts...and they killed a retard. M. Night you've done Hitler proud. The moral of the story is as follows: BE AMISH IF YOUR SIBLINGS DIE AND GOOSE STEP TO THE NIEGHBORS AND MURDER THE RETARD. The only real shock in this film is that The Black Eyed Peas aren't on the soundtrack. Oh I almost forgot, if you find a blind person drag them into the woods and then desert them. If you don't the Mel Gibson aliens will ruin your corn and bring Bruce Willis back from the dead. In conclusion, The Village wants you to think Amish people love Halloween so they will give you candy; in addition it was so bad it made me sterile for a month. The end.
P.S.
Shit
P.P.S.
Factory


Holy shit an update! (4/12/04)

Well its been about 8 months since I've posted anything on this site, the main reason being I forgot I had it. But I remembered. That I had it. In addition to my sweet memory kicking back in I finally thought of something worth posting: a way to back up all my claims that I was in Vietnam. Sure I'm too young to have been there, but I have come up with a plan that validate all my claims about being in Nam. I just need to find a Jap or Korean hooker named Nami or Namoai or something like that and fuck her, then I can honestly tell everyone I was in Nam! It's brilliant! Then I can go on telling all my war stories. For example my duties kept forcing my back into Nam, every night I'd have to cross the boarder, but most times I was able to pop in and out before anyone knew I have even come. Another time I was in a real tight spot in Nam, I'd gone deep into Nam, through the jungle, and Charlie amushed me. He tried to flank me, but I was able to pull out and get away, but not before shooting him in the eye. The worst was my first night in Nam. I was stationed down near a river and I was already scared as 3 other soldiers had gone to the hospital on account of Nam's crabs...and I didn't want any of that. Unfortunatly I was called in. I went in fast, and started shooting everywhere. When Morning(Nam's friend) finally came I stopped to survey the damage. It looked like a warzone. Not only will I get to tell great stories like that, but I will get to participate in Vietnam veterans favorite pastime, flashbacks! Mine, however, will come at seemingly inappropriate times(assuming there is an appropriate time for a war flashback). For example, I go to watch a porno and start screaming, "oh god! it's just like that night in Nam!" Better yet I could be at a carnival and some mother buys her kid some cotton candy. "It's all pink and sticky," says the kid...just like it was in Nam. I've never had an idea so great. Well thats all for today's episode, be sure to check back in eight months to see if I've psoted again.


A Modest Proposal...minus the baby eating (8/29/03)

As any of you good folks attending college know, universities across America continuously crack down on drinking. All their rules, regulations, threats, and enforcement are in vain however. Drinking is why half the people come to college anyways, well that and anonymous sex. There are few joys like waking up next to some chick you never met before...that or you just have no recollection of the previous night in which you met the girl. Back to the point, underage drinking. I propose only one idea and this idea will eliminate about 30% of alcohol consumption across the country. What is this idea of ideas you ask? Well let's just says it's getting rid of all tests and exams because...well...that's exactly what my idea is. Tests make students drink regardless of outcome. Tests make students load up the week before because they know they can't drink the week of the test. Tests make students drink. It's a fact. Really. Damn, I guess I can't make my sentences any shorter than that. Look at the graph below of alcohol consumption at Virginia Tech, notice the drastic spike the day of tests. Don't look at the fact that this is a graph I made in 2 minutes in Paint. Also note the red dots indicate a test day, and the number running up the left side represents hundreds of gallons of alcohol consumed.
It's real, trust me

The reason for these hikes, aside from me drawing them in, is due to one of two possible outcomes for the night after a test. Students either A. did a great job on the test and have gone out to celebrate with a drink or twelve, or B. failed miserably and their only comfort comes in 40 oz. bottles. Tests force students to drink. Get rid of them and drinking will drop dramatically, not to mention grades will probably increase. It's a win-win situation. So if anyone in a position of authority at a University comes across this proposal, just try it for a semester and check the beer sales as opposed to a normal semester. You'll be pleasantly surprised...or not...or a third thing.


Jay Hughes: An American Hero (6/27/03)

The following is a message sent to Beaker by a fan of his work. The alleged Jay is a hero in every sense of the word, not only does he read this site, but he actually puts our usefull advise to practice. We here at The Deave's Website salute you Jay.

I read one of your online articles.
After I saw a cooking show on how to make fortune cookies, I toyed around with them and got the recipe right (they certainly looked good). I packaged them carefully in used fortune cookie wrappers, and brought them in to the local chinese restaurant and "donated" them to the top of the pile at the buffet.
Of the maybe 30 tables in the place, we happened to be sitting across from an older Jewish couple; both the man and woman each having snagged one of my "customized" fortune-containing treats.
The man was clearly not pleased with his fortune, though I'm not sure what his read as he did not say so aloud. The woman, however, did; I wish you could have seen her legitimately distraught face as she read her fortune to her husband:

THE FIREFIGHTERS WILL NOT ARRIVE ON TIME

Judging by her reaction, this must have been one of these Nancy Reagan-esque astrology bitches with too much time on her hands. She seemed really freaked.
It was a good idea, taken to it's logical conclusion. I hope you take some personal satisfaction. Or, not. I thought it was funny. But hell, I was there.

Jay Hughes


Here's to Idiots (4/14/03)

It burns!
Idiots, where would we be without them? Ok, you could argue that we would all be happier and safer but let's ignore that for a minute. If you don't want to then you probably are an idiot in denial. Like I was saying, idiots have given us some of the greatest things the world has ever known. If you are yelling at your computer because of that last statement you are an idiot. NOW, before I was theoretically interrupted, I was about to tell you about the wonderful things idiots have done for us. For starters, look at the picture above, that idiot lit his fucking head on fire for our amusement. Good boy. Now go steal me money. The Deave will admit he has had his moments of idiocy, in which I created the best games ever. Here's an example of a fun game; take your bow and arrow out on a nice sunny day. Next, shoot an arrow straight up into the air and try and follow it with your eyes. Right about now you realize two things: you are staring in the sun, ruining your vision, and you have lost track of the arrow. Now the fun starts. Quickly scatter so the arrow doesn't hit you. This game is funner (see? I am an idiot) when you play with large groups. One of my favorite games is called bike jousting. Again, you don't need much to play this game, just two bikes two people and sticks. Line up and charge! If you get knocked off your 'horse' then you lose. If you want to play like a man then the loser gets beheaded. Other, more popular, idiot invented games include mercy (the game of crushing someone's hand until they quit), open chest (a middle school favorite; just crack someone in the chest if they aren't blocking it), and Russian roulette (just wait for the one special shot for the fun). Now let's take a look at great idiots in history shall we? I am going to go out and a limb here and start by saying Jews are idiots. They fucking killed the Son of God, need I say more? Ok now on to a more chronological order. We will start in Rome's golden age with Emperor Nero. Way to go! You burnt down the capitol of the world! Now on to the Middle Ages where everyone was an idiot. Popular belief of the day was that you could cure your ills through blood letting, I wonder why people only lived to be 35? From there we move to France under the rule of none other than the infamous midget Napolean. Attacking Russia in the winter is by far one the worst ideas since...well Medieval medicine. Now how about the great American hero Custer? Hey we have malfunctioning weapons and are vastly outnumbered... CHARGE! Well just because I am already tired of writing I am going to skip ahead to World War Two. France pulled one of the most brilliant military maneuvers ever. They turned their entire boarder into a fucking fortress, the infamous Maginot Line. Now for some reason the French decided the Germans HAD to attack the line; going around it was inconceivable to them. So here's to the French and their incredible waste of time and money. While we are on the subject lets look at another famous WWII idiot, Hitler. Yes in many ways this man was a military and political genius, but he made one stupid shit more that gets him on this list. While he had taken over most of Europe and had Great Britain on the edge of breaking good old Hitler decides to stop bombing the airstrips? WHAT THE FUCK!?! Honestly, why the FUCK would you do that!?! IT'S FUCKING RETARDED!!! Ok well anyways since he did that Britain got its air force back up and could defend itself. Way to lose the war Adolf. But let's not forget the repeat of Napolean's mistake. Did Hitler think it was going to work this time for some reason? Time for another radical time jump. Alright that was fun now we are here in 2003, and next on my list of idiots is anyone that disagrees with anything I say. I mean really, if you disagree with me then you are wrong and should be killed.


France, the home of cowards. (4/7/03)

The Deave is sure all you out there surfing the net have had your fill of people blasting France. Well just when you thought it was safe to like mimes again I have decided to jump on the bandwagon and give those stuck up wine sipping sissies a piece of my mind! France is, of course, bitching about the war, but hell you can't blame them; odds are by the end of all this Germany will have invaded them. Look at the record kids, Germany is long overdue to start a war and France is always a safe bet for invading. Germany is another topic entirely though so back to the frogs and their precious mayonaise. Really, mayonaise is the only thing that those bastards have ever done right, and personally, I HATE MAYONAISE! It's really hard to respect the French after you have to bail them out of two big ones, and The Deave is not about to try to respect them. France sucks. Their claim to fame, other than losing practically ever war they were ever in is that ALL their men are queer and their women have enough hair on their bodies to shame teenage boys. Yes I am aware of the overgeneralization I just made but frankly, I just don't give a damn. Where the hell do these spineless fucks get off telling us not to go to war!?! Shit we should run a few bombing runs over Paris, if not for what they are doing now then just for being stuck up assholes ever since they became a country. How can a country claim to be so sophisticated when it's citizens bathe once a week? Tell me, how!?! I can't see how the hell those fuckers are still independent; they set a fucking record for being invaded, but where never taken over. This seems strange on the surface, but it is rather self explanatory if you look at the facts. It's France. No one wants to keep it. Would you like a large mass of land filled with people that smell and complain all day? I don't think you would. Even if you did keep it you'd have a damn hard time accomplishing anything with these lazy sacks of shit. In Frace there is a law that prohibits people to work over forty hours a week. Way to go France! Enforce sloth! Yeah! I would like to write more but I have an uncontrollable urge to go pick a fight with the French club, mainly because I know they won't retaliate.


Being an asshole. (3/28/03)

Hello, my name is The Deave...and I am an asshole. No I really don't need a support group to cope with this fact, its actually fun as hell. All my friends regard me as the biggest asshole they know which is a rather impressive feat. If you have read my site before you also probably regard me as one, and I am glad you do. Being an asshole is fun and easy. In fact, I have devised a few ways to become an asshole of legend. For example, whenever I go to the movies now, I will go drunk. First off, I am a very loud drunk, so that'll piss off a good number of people in the theater. People suck and deserve it. Secondly, I will make it a point to sit in the middle of the theater; combine this with the fact that I will have to piss a lot and TONS of people will have to put up with me shoving past them to get to the bathroom for the whole movie! Another bonus of this is if I throw up there will be lots of people around to get disgusted. One of my best ideas ever is to get a house in a neighborhood where an ice cream truck drives around. Then I can sit on my porch, naked just to offend people, and throw all of my empty liquor bottles at the little fucks crowding around the truck like kids around an ice cream truck...damn it. Anyways, the glass shattering excitement should make for a good laugh. And don't think I'll put up with their dumb ass parents either. A simple doorbell/trapdoor rig will fix that. Just think, they come to give me a piece of their mind and end up flying down a chute into a furnace. This will also take care of door to door salesmen and girl scouts. The only drawback is that all those delicious cookies will be lost. Let's have a moment of silence for these hypothetical delicacies. Well to finish this up I would like to point out a few more of my wonderful plans to be an asshole. I will drag race my car down the street right when the bus is letting the kids off from school. When I cut my grass, I will dump all the clippings in my neighbor's yard; likewise in the Fall I will blow all my leaves into their yard. I will play my guitar extremely loud at odd hours of the night. My property will be littered with used needles and rusty sharp things for people to play with. And finally I will personally track you down and beat the fuck out of you if you laughed at this. If you didn't laugh then I will fucking KILL you.


To anyone opposed to war with Iraq (3/12/03)

I hate anti-war assholes. At this point we are going to war as we should, I for one will not wait around for another September 11 incident and hell, we can get some oil out of destroying that shit hole of a country. The fact that war is gonna happen won't change because you peace mongers are bitching about leaving psychos with chemical weapons to do what they want. YOU ARE IDIOTS. As for those of you living in denial and actually believe that Saddam has no weapons here is a bit of information some of you may find interesting, the rest of you will be true liberals and call me closed minded without even hearing my argument...mmmmm irony. Saddam HAS the weapons because our government GAVE THEM TO HIM. Back in the day when we hated Iran we gave him lots of weapons to help us out. Now he is just saying he doesn't have them and hoping we forgot, the sad part is his plan worked for many of you ignorant bastards. All you hippy idiots can suck my dick, you are probably all vegetarians and march around in gay pride parades. You are all going to hell. You are probably French too. But enough about how every opinion you have is wrong, on to the point: violence IS the answer. Look he won't respond to anything else so we have no other choice, not to mention that wars have been of great benefit to us for the most part. Thanks to the Revolutionary war we are no longer Euro-trash. We were able to expand this great country from sea to shining sea by our violent tactics against the Indians, you probably hate this though odds are you are living on land seized from them and you aren't giving it back are you? I didn't think so you hypocrite. I could go on and on about how wars and violent affairs have benefited our country but I know you are already not listening and are busy trying to save some animals from "evil" hunters. Well I hunt stuff all the time. Do I eat it? No mostly I don't. I kill things for two main reasons: 1. They are smaller and inferior to me. 2. To piss off spineless fuckers like you off. So in conclusion I think you should move to France, that way I won't have to listen to your endless whining and you can be happy because they NEVER fight, even if the Germans are parading into Paris. Hey, why are there trees in France? So the Germans can march in the shade!


It's about damn time. (2/13/02)

Dude I'm getting a buzz!
Well it finally happened, and not a moment too soon. That stupid ass fucking Dell kid has been arrested. The only problem with this otherwise joyous occasion is that fact that he will get off light because he was charged with possession of marijuana. If I was the damn cop on duty I would have planted some heroine and crack on his obnoxious ass. The Deave can't stand that idiot and his sorry ass excuse for a catch phrase. Had I some political power I'd walk over to him and say "Dude, you're getting a life sentence." His bitch ass would get raped in prison and then he would finally shut the fuck up. At least America is taking a step in the right direction. Next we need to get that Mazda "zoom zoom" kid and Jared. They should all rot in a cell for pissing me off. In fact lots of other people should; for example: Osama, Sadam, boy bands, Rosie, the idiots that live across the hall from me, anyone who thinks I am their friend, and whales. Whales suck.


A Great New Holiday! (1/27/03)

Endorsed by America!
The Deave is fucking sick and tired of all the shitty holidays that plague the calendar so big corporations can line their pockets with money from all the gifts people are tricked into buying. Why don't we have a holiday for those who truly deserve a break? That's right, I am talking about parents and not that Mother's/Father's Day half ass shit. Parents put up with kids all damn year and they deserve a day where they can stop worrying about their kids without consequence; I propose we have a National Neglect Your Children Day! In celebration of this holiday parents cannot be legally held responcible for their kids and will not have to feel obligated to tend to them. Lost little Sally in the crowd at a theme park? Don't fret, you worry all year, you deserve a break. Baby crying for attention or because its in the tub with water running? It can wait till tomorrow! Today is a holiday and parents should take full advantage of it, regardless of the consequences. Just think of how this glorious holiday could have changed classic television, "What's that Lassie? Timmy fell in the well? Well tough shit, its my day off, lets go play fetch girl!" Could there be a more brilliant idea? The Deave thinks not. As an added bonus, the stupid kids would probably manage to kill themselves without parental supervision which means no more idiots in the gene pool! There is no downside to this wondrous day! Parents across America, unite in neglecting your children once a year and live like you did before the unexpected bundle of life ruining, stress bringing "joy" tore its way into your previously happy lives!


Subway Commercials Suck (1/6/03)

Subway blows
Well I have decided that there will always be a commercial on television that pisses me off to no end. At first it was that damn fag Dell kid, but then he went away (though the flaming little "interns" they have now aren't much better). Now the former fat ass Jared of Subway has championed the title of shittiest commercial on TV. I don't know if you have seen it or not, but the whole the thing based around Jared sitting there and saying, "I lost 240 pounds by eating subway sandwiches." Right about there anyone with a brain should have an alarm go off in there head that screams "BULLSHIT!" No one loses weight by EATING! This is the fucking dumbest shit ever! The worst part is now fat bastards around the country are going to eat there all day and wonder why the pounds aren't melting off! Some that read this will exclaim, "But the footnote in tiny print at the bottom of the screen says he lost the weight from exercise." It does say that; however, wouldn't it make a lot more sense if Jared just told you the truth from the beginning? The print at the bottom should read "This has-been food addict is lying to you! Are you really dumb enough to believe you can lose weight by eating more food?" Damn I hate Jared. He has only been skinny for about two years! I have been skinny my whole life, where the hell is my TV spot!?! Jared does prove how shallow our society is though, who gave a damn about him when he was fat? No one did, in fact people probably avoided him. Now that he is skinny people love him! America hates blimps and rightly so. Any fatty out there that is thinking about taking Jared's advice here is a better solution, I call it suicide. No one loves you because you are fat. If you die, your fat will biodegrade thereby making you skinny to boot! It's a win-win situation, you help living people by dying and by dying you lose weight! That is a fact people, The Deave won't lie to you like Jared did. Who will you support? The Deave is a realist, Jared is a liar and once was FAT, a fact that should disqualify him from trust and disturb most healthy Americans.


New Year's (1/1/03)

Well, it's that time of year again. The time of year where drunk driving is expected and underage drinking is encouraged. It's New Year's Day again; the day where the world proves it's intelligence by counting backwards from five. What a worthless tradition. I mean really, all that changes is the date you write on your papers. "Hell fucking yeah!!! 03!!! I have been waiting a whole year to do this!" Who fucking gives a shit? The Deave doesn't. First off, you know it's a shitty holiday if you are forced to eat black eyed peas. Those things are god-awful. Fuck black eyed peas. Don't forget the fact that everyone stays up really late to watch a big ball slowly descend a pole. Wow. Now that's captivating. With today's technology you think they could time the damn thing right too, for the last who fucking cares how many years the ball changes speed about three times so it lights the big numbers up at the right moment. Why the hell does that ball fascinate people? Does everyone briefly revert to being a fucking three year old where balls are the sweetest fucking damn shits ever? Anyways, on to my favorite part (that's sarcasm dumb ass), resolutions! It's that time again when fat people all over the world pledge to diet and smokers vow to quit. Yeah right. No one lives up to these bullshit lies. Resolutions are exactly that, lies. People know they won't follow through with them yet they go right ahead and tell everyone how they are going to become better people. Here's an idea on how to be a better person, stop lying to everyone. As for your resolution, kill yourself. If you are dumb enough to make have a resolution then you are a burden on society and should help us all out by drowning yourself in that disgusting pot of black eyed peas that you made and no one wants. The only saving grace to this otherwise shitty celebration is the alcohol. Drunks galore! Everyone knows drunks are funny, and they are out in numbers today! Without drunks, and parents giving their children cheap champagne, this holiday would truly be a waste and I would have destroyed it by now. The Deave will let the revelries continue until the parties are tapped, then everyone better watch their asses.


TELEVISION IS CORRUPTING OUR YOUTH (11/31/02)

Does television nowadays bother you? Well it should. Television is full of trash that is polluting the minds of your children; however, I am not referring to the shows you think I am. What I am focusing on has been a thorn in the side of America for years dating before The Deave's time. Imagine a show about a group of cuddly characters that are nice and friendly and following their adventures in a quaint little wood. Nice huh? Now imagine each of these seemingly blissful wretches as being the very embodiment of the most terrible sins imaginable. Yes, I am talking about Winnie the Pooh, or should I call him Winnie the Soul Twisting Demon and Company of Satan? The Deave has uncovered a disturbing secret of these wrongly loved works of fiction. Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Envy, Wrath, Pride, and Lust; each is prevalent in the behavior of each character, combinations in other cases. Take the pin-tailed donkey Eeyore, does Sloth have a better vehicle than the ragged body of this lazy beast? I think not. The show has been running for years and he is yet to complete the one house he has tried to build. The cowardly swine Piglet is no exception either. Always "wishing" to be more like one of the other characters because of low self esteem, thus instilling children with Envy. Then there is the haughty Owl. He is too good to converse with the other characters, they have to seek him out. He always stays in his damn tree-house, ensuring his head is higher than all other's. Could a character have more pride? Oh yes! The infamous Tigger. All he ever does is run around singing about how Tigger's are the the best things ever. Well fucking hooray. That's two that brainwash your children to be full of pride and general contempt for those "beneath" them. At this point I am sure some of you are drawing a few parallels between these champions of pride and The Deave. Well I can assure you that I am not a cartoon. So that settles it. Then we come to Rabbit. Damn he is evil. He doubles up the sins of Greed and Wrath. Wrath you ask? Just watch him go berserk when someone messes up his carrots or touches anything in his house. As for greed, when was the last time he SHARED any carrots? He defends them with his life because they are HIS and shall not be given as handouts. Finally we land on the leader of this 'sin'dicate, Pooh. If he is not Satan he must his right hand man. Has there ever been a character greedier than him? Hell no. There will sooner be a character more brilliant that the Professor on Gilligan's Island. All he does is roam around trying to find more and more honey. And then all he does is eat. Glutton!!! He is fucking disgusting and instilling horrible values in kids everywhere. But wait! That only accounts for six of the seven you say? Well until tonight I was stumped by Lust. Thankfully my roommate Robbie was able to explain it to me. Kanga is lust. Notice she has a child but there is no father around, not even mentioned! Kanga? Maybe we should just call you Hester and slap a scarlet 'A' on her adulterous ass. So that's it. A satanic conspiracy masked by pastel cartoons and plush stuffed animals. We must destroy these demons or we are certainly all doomed.


Drunk People are Great, just like Frosted Flakes (11/18/02)

Everyone knows drunk people are funny, just look at the conversation my roommate had with his friend:
HokieFlav: wehre aer you ia'm dorun
Auto response from Lufs2sing (2:53:23 AM): chillin' and relaxin'!
Hokie (2:53:27 AM): fronk
Hokie (2:53:30 AM): drone
Hokie (2:53:32 AM): drunk
Hokie (2:53:37 AM): hahatehre wer go
Hokie (2:53:46 AM): werhr aewr you
Hokie (2:54:15 AM): i maiss youa sasskhelre
Hokie (2:54:18 AM): ashlert
Hokie (2:54:22 AM): ashelreuy
Hokie (2:54:34 AM): you should dostop choillin
Lufs2sing (3:55:12 AM): robbie r u there?
Lufs2sing (3:55:33 AM): well goodnight i'll talk to u lata
Hokie (3:55:35 AM): i'm aehr
Hokie (3:55:37 AM): here
Lufs2sing (3:55:44 AM): r u really drunk?
Hokie (3:55:48 AM): i wawe
Hokie (3:55:50 AM): was
Lufs2sing (3:55:55 AM): but u don't drink
Hokie (3:55:58 AM): oh welr
Hokie (3:56:09 AM): soemr things chanfe
Lufs2sing (3:56:16 AM): oh my gosh...
Hokie (3:56:19 AM): what
Lufs2sing (3:56:25 AM): is this going to be a habit???
Lufs2sing (3:56:26 AM): haha
Hokie (3:56:57 AM): i knowe my finlg ers don't werok
Lufs2sing (3:57:03 AM): yeh i can see that hahaha
Lufs2sing (3:57:36 AM): well, i need to go to sleep
Lufs2sing (3:57:39 AM): u should too
Hokie (3:57:46 AM): i'jm nto tier
Lufs2sing: HokieFlav (3:57:50 AM): tirease
Hokie (3:57:54 AM): tiered
Lufs2sing (3:57:54 AM): go to sleep anyway
Hokie (3:57:59 AM): welld ee
Hokie (3:58:02 AM): see
Hokie (3:58:28 AM): ok lwtwer

This proves drunks are funny. It also displays how damn lazy people have gotten. Is it so hard to type two more letters and write "are" instead of "r"? All that online talk is crap. So I will go drink my anger away like any good Irish person would(even though I'm not Irish). ill c u lata.


Rules of Writing (11/15/02)

By the powers of The Deave and Beaker combined, we are masters of the written word. I am sure all you faithful readers of this site are aware that both of us were blessed with a gift to write; now we shall share the wealth (even though sharing is Communist). If you didn't catch that I'll say it again; The Deave and Beaker have scribed all the tips you will ever need to write a brilliant paper, just follow the steps below! Why would we do this you ask? If you didn't ask you better damn well do it. DO IT! Ok, I will tell you, but only because you asked. This site was created as, and remains, an educational site, developed for the benefit of mankind. By reading it you are becoming better people. This is just another step in becoming the ideal member of society. With that said, take a look at our pointers. Well that's all you will ever need to know to write a perfect paper, don't you agree?


Halloween (10/31/02)

What the fuck? All day and night little bastards storm my door demanding candy! "Look I dressed up like a dipshit, now feed me!" Hell no. What the hell have any of these brats ever done for me? NOTHING! If I was going to give them anything it would be a swift kick to the mouth. After that they cry, as if the candy wouldn't have ruined their teeth anyways. The worst part of this shit is that the parents put the kids up to it; this is setting the kids up for a life as a begger. "That's right son, go beg the stranger so you can eat!" What the fuck is going on!?! It's a rather elaborate plot though, the parents hide the child's identity by dressing them up in a costume. This way we can't find out who it was and look down on them in public. The thought behind pulling this off is sickening. Shit, if my kids want candy they can get a job and buy some. If they HAD to "trick or treat" (what a cute innocent name for something that is the brother of theft) I would tell them this: "Ok kids go take advantage of the dipshits at this house!" It's survival of the strong and smart. Everyone that goes trick or treating will live in an alley and die by age 30. Halloween sucks.


Attention (10/31/02)

The Deave knows you are a failure with women. Lucky for you, I have a few tips about lady's for you that will get you right back on track. Don't think I can teach you anything? Think again! This weekend I stopped by your girlfriend's house and convinced her to let me take nude pictures of her. Just take a look at this!
Yeah! Doggie style!

You see how amazing The Deave is? Just put these helpful tidbits to use and you'll be able to find someone far more attractive!


Pop Tarts (10/28/02)

Mother fuckers are fucking pissing me off! Eating MY poptarts. Ok I live on the third floor, if I want a snack I have to gone down to the SECOND FLOOR! Why the fuck are those assholes good enough for a snack machine and I am not!?! FUCK THE CHEAP SHITS THAT DIDN'T GIVE MY FLOOR A MACHINE. So I walk my ass down a floor to get me a pop tart, pop tarts are fucking sweet by the way, and get this THEY WERE SOLD OUT!!! Who the fuck had the idea to eat MY pop tarts!?! And then some asshole has the nerve to come up and say "What's up?" That bitch. I'll tell you what asshole some glutton ate MY pop tarts!!! Thats whats up. I threw him down the steps. He deserved it. The moral of the story is I got M & M's instead. They were not pop tarts but they were ok.


Kids

In light of recent events (ex. Neighbor's kids stealing from me) I have decided that kids completely piss me off. Before it was just some, but now I have decided to institute a policy of FUCK THE LITTLE BASTARDS. Under this policy I will bitch slap every little annoying shit I come across. It will be great. Really, what are kids good for anyways? All they do is yell and stink and want/cost money. Even the celebrity kids suck. The damn Mazda kid that says, "Zoom Zoom" for example, what kind of a lame ass slogan is that? IT'S SHIT. For this reason only I will run the little bastard over with a Mazda screaming, "Zoom zoom" as the police are in hot pursuit of my hit and run offense. Aren't famous people supposed to kick ass? All the kids on TV do is suck at life. Star Wars Episode One had a few misgivings, namely Jar Jar Binks, but above all that little cock sucker that played Anakin. He single-handedly ruined the movie. Damn him. That cool looking freak in the pod race should have killed him. THAT would have been a cool race; seeing a little kid and his racer burst into flames while his mother cried in horror. And non-famous kids are worse. Every single one today is spoiled rotten. All they do is scream that they want some little shitty toy that TV tricked them into wanting, and then they scream even louder when their parents say no. However, the parents always give in. Just say no people!!! We should put these dumbasses through a class on how to say no to children, either that or teach them the art of bitch slapping. Consider the following situation: "Mommy I wanna toy" "No Bobby I just got you one yesterday" "That toy was stupid you dummy! I want a new one!" "I said NO you little fucker now shut the hell up before you taste the back of my hand!" See how much more effective that is? If nothing else it would give parents the illusion of authority. Enough talk for now, I must go pay a "visit" to the local elementary school.


TV

Is it just me or is The Deave the most incredible person ever? Glad you agree. It's about time The Deave got a TV show too, so some of the shit on there now will get cancelled. Shows like...well shit ANY sitcom really. Those shows are shit, any prime time sitcom sucks more than a Hoover (the vacuum cleaner not the dam you fucking idiot). The only shows worth watching are The Simpsons, and Late Night with Conan O'Brian. Family Guy was another great show but it was "over the top." The "open minded" liberals wouldn't allow it. There's a shocker, liberals don't like something so they get rid of it, yeah real "open minded" bunch of mother fuckers. They think there should be more shows empowering women and trying to promote gay rights. I hate liberals, which is why the news on TV pisses me off. Now all you hear about is how terrible Bush is. Heads up dumbasses he is our President, back off. News anchors on TV are real left wing also; they should be replaced with Rush Limbaugh. Now there is a guy that has his priorities straight. Hats off to you Rush. Even shows for children are screwed up. Look at Yogi the Bear, he goes around all day STEALING. Little kids love him and he shows them over and over again how to steal and he gets away with it. The other bear says the ranger won't like it but he doesn't listen. It's a wonder all little kids aren't stealing, I mean sure, the inner city kids do, but Yogi hasn't polluted everyone...yet. It's not just TV shows that suck either; a good deal of the shit comes from commercials. The Dell kid for example. He sucks at life. I hope he dies; no other person pisses me off like he does. "Dude my life is based around saying five words!" You shut the fuck up or you're going to have a dick in your mouth. Die. Better yet, die slowly. There is a lot more I could rant about but I hate you so I refuse to write anymore. Remember that I, The Deave, own you.


Burger King

I have a great idea for a commercial! We put the Burger King drive thru menu on an elevator and have it make casual conversation with people! MMMMMMMM I'M GETTING HUNGRY!!!! What stupid fuck came up with this "brilliant" plot? The last time I saw a talking board on an elevator was when I drank the bong water. I think I may sue those bastards for false advertisement because they make the voice of the menu very clear and when you pull up to the damn thing all you hear is static and something that resembles Mexican (yes, I am differentiating Mexican from Spanish because I called some Mexican guy Spanish and he got offended). No one understands what the hell the thing says. You just shout your order at it and hope that, somewhere between the menu and the high school drop out with the headphones on, what you said gets translated into English so they get your order right before you pull up to the next window. And now these dipshits are selling tacos!!! News flash, you are called BURGER King. People go to TACO Bell for tacos, though the Americanized Gringos committed an act almost as atrocious. They tried to sell French fries! No one goes to a Mexican place for fries! Damnit!! Next the vegetarian places (which shouldn't exist at all, we are better than animals and DESERVE to eat them, not doing so is an insult to us as humans) will start selling steaks! I am going to stop eating at Burger King until either they pay me a lot of money because The Deave is so damn sweet, or they change the commercial to something coherent and take tacos off the menu.

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