Brother Beaker's Page

Eating Disorders Keep the Population Low

People say overpopulation is going to be our planet's downfall. And they are probably right. Because of Catholics refusing to use birth control, millions of children are born every day, angering me more and more because of their constant talking in movies, malls, and restaurants. There just aren't enough resources to go around. There isn't enough land for everyone to inhabit and for producing food for everyone. Fossil fuels won't live forever. But there is still hope thanks to one thing: eating disorders.

Face it, people. Eating disorders will help keep our population low. Once we run out of food and starvation ensues, natural selection will kick in and only the rich will survive. Or the rich will eat the poor; one or the other really.

And there is more good news for all of you anorexics and bulimics out there. You won't feel so bad about yourselves because you'll have millions to keep you company in looking like skeletons. Deny it or criticize me now all you want, but you'll be making yourself puke double when I'm right. Get ready to be 5'10'', 110 pounds, and comparatively fat because of it. At that point you'll probably be forced to remove organs to lose more weight so that your boyfriends (and society) will like you. And then nature will take over and I won't have to hear you bitch about this article.

I'm not insensitive. Just right.

Merry Christmas II

Well, its time for another wonderful holiday season and another holiday rant by me, so here it goes.

The best thing I'm looking forward to this holiday season is eating food and enjoying it. Perhaps some of you anorexic bitches that email me whining about my columns will actually take a moment to have a cookie and subsequently throw it up. I saw that Abercrombie recently had shirts that your friends might like that say: "I make you look fat." Pretty clever. Now on to more Christmas things.

I hate QVC. That's the only thing on my parents tv because my mother has been brainwashed into thinking the crap they sell are holiday bargains and that this will save her from doing shopping. QVC is full of lies. It is much like listening to Terrell Owens agent: full of crap and talking themselves up. A favorite quote of recent: Caller: "Yeah, my friend always has problems with her grill." Seller: "That's great!" Wow.

I do love one thing about the holidays. Egg nog. What a great drink that makes Christmas tolerable. I won't say the holidays, because this season isn't about other holidays. Its about Christmas. None of the others matter because they are completely secondary. And besides, we all know the true meaning of Christmas is presents. So if you celebrate something else, stop wasting your time, get a god damned tree, maybe even one of those inflatable lawn ornaments, and prepare to receive more than you give (which is the reason for the season.)

The holidays are always a great reminder of one thing: how poor you are. There are lots of sweet items that most of you will never be able to afford but I will once I finish law school and start handling your divorces. Now stop reading this article and go to the Salvation army for your Christmas shopping. And stop fathering so many children. I'm still tired of listening to them whine at shopping malls about wanting this and wanting that.

My hatred of the holidays has spawned my brilliant idea for a video game: Orphan Hunt. The game revolves around a cereal killer who recently escaped from prison and takes refuge in an orphanage. Now play as the killer as he makes his way through the orphanage with no weapons, and make use of your environment to make weapons to hunt down the dangerous orphan inhabitants. The police never come because nobody misses an orphan. And on that note, Merry Christmas.

Keanu Reeves is the Worst Actor Ever

Once upon a time there was an over-rated actor who appealed to an audience of stoners, who eventually grew up to employ this Neanderthal and continue giving him acting jobs. No, I'm not talking about Brendan Fraser. I'm referring to Keanu Reeves whose acting skills are akin to O.J Simpson when he is trying to keep a straight face about how he didn't do it. Watching a Keanu Reeves movie is a lot like watching your mom banging the gardener in her latest internet production, but at least after your mom wakes up she at least has a sense of pride and dignity about her craft.

Exhibit A: Johnny Mnemonic. Keanu may not be able to spell the title of this flick, but he does fill the role perfectly: someone whose head is so empty that traffickers use the vacant space to illegally transmit data. I simply own this movie as a source of inspiration. If someone can star in a movie that features Cyborg Jesus, a code-breaking dolphin, and Ice Cube, well then perhaps I can convince Heidi Klum to take up anal sex.

Exhibit B: Dogstar. For those of you who do not know what Dogstar is, its actually a bunch of desperate guys that try to make music based around Keanu's singing 'talent.' If you stuck a cat halfway into a blender, set the blender to puree, and added an amputee on drums, then you would still produce something musically superior to Dogstar.

Exhibit C: Any other Keanu Reeves-based production. Name one good film that is the result of his masterful performance. Its impossible. If you think you actually found one, see if it passes the Vin Diesel Formula. Subtract out Keanu Reeves, add in a retarded chimp, and if the substance you end up with is greater than or equivalent to the movie you started with, then its clear Keanu had nothing to do with any sort of remote success.

You may say, 'Well if he's so bad, how is it that he continues to get movie roles?' My answer: they must be screening his movies to descendents of Jim Kelly (and we all know how many combined chromosomes that gene pool has). Honestly, people (and by people I mean both Keanu Reeves' fans out there), I've seen Special Education students with more artistic abilities than this clown. Hollywood needs to stop wasting its time filming this jackass and devote more time to a documentary on Lindsay Lohan's breasts.

My Rebuttle

Hahaha, actually my female friends find the material on this website hilarious, because unlike you, they have a sense of humor. And no, obviously I do not know what eating disorders are; their inclusion on the page must?ve been completely random. On a side note, I looked up your website from your aol profile. Listen, Casper, I can see why you would be mad about my comments about how women should look since obviously you are clearly a hideous man-beast and waste your time protesting typical liberal crap. As to your comments concerning UVA....I find it amusing how every person attending UVA assumes that Tech students applied and did not get in. I, in fact, applied to Tech and William and Mary, getting accepted to both. William and Mary has by far a higher record of academic excellence, and where I chose to go is my own personal decision. Did you know that people die from lots of things, like protesting eating disorders? Have a nice day. :-)

Woman Driver, No Survivor

As long as I have been out there on the road, I have been pissed off by female drivers. Women need to realize that they need to stop attempting to travel on the Roads of the Man in the driver's seat and go back to baking pies. Why do I hate women drivers? Well let's see... The GODDAMN soccer moms for one are to blame. Driving around in their SUV's, cars that already take up too much lane space as it is, in not one lane?but two. You can usually spot them by the soccer ball sticker on the back of the vehicle or by their swerving due to their inattention to the road because of their unruly children. Female drivers also pay more attention to putting on makeup or talking on cell phones than to traffic signals and other vehicles. Stop looking at mirrors like you're a parakeet. Polly wanna casket? Than use your mirrors for paying attention to other drivers!! Get off your cell phones, too. Do you really need to spend all day using a telephone to call your girlfriends and talking about trivial matters that people won't give a damn about in six months? Don't lie to yourselves and deny that women cannot drive. There is no such thing as equality of the sexes. Just like men are better at professional sports, women are inferior at operating motorized vehicles. Maybe if cars were simple to operate like dishwashers or dryers, then women could drive. But until women lose the privilege of driving (and hopefully voting, someday) everyone be careful out there.

On a side note, if you have not been offended by this article, then please consider this joke: How do the police know that Brian Dennehy had dandruff? They found his Head and Shoulders in a lake.

Women Need to Live up to Media's Expectations

I hardly ever agree with anything the media says. But one thing I have to agree with are all the magazines out there that post pictures of attractive women and advise tips on how women can look better. As the years go on, the bar gets raised higher and higher. Women get depressed and even collect an eating disorder or two. I have nothing against eating disorders. After all, they keep women from getting fat. Whenever I see an anorexic girl I feel the need to call her "chubs" out of civic duty, since she will now spend the next six months keeping herself from getting fat at all costs. I also feel the need to remind them that fat women die alone. The media truly overemphasizes supermodels, actresses, and beautiful people. Thanks to them, women everywhere pump money into the economy on products to make themselves look better, which can only be beneficial to men. However, men beware for some products like the Wonder bra can be quite misleading. For women everywhere I have taken it upon myself to help you save money on all of these fashion/women's magazines and help you all out with a step-by-step guide on appearance improvement. No matter where you are on a scale of one to ten, I guarantee these will apply to you:

1. Thighs: Your thighs are too fat and unless you want to buy a new set of jeans, go running.
2. Ass: This is essential because men everywhere will be looking at your ass. It must be perfect. Do every ass exercise imaginable and hit the gym as much as possible to work on those gluts. Ideally your ass should look like this: But good luck with that.
3. Skin: Your skin needs to be clear of all blemishes and have a golden tan. If not, men will not want to touch you. Your skin needs to be completely hairless from the neck down. Your skin should also be cleared of all blemishes that way Playboy will not have to airbrush your photos that your boyfriend sends in that he took of you in the shower. If you need a model, see the picture above.
4. Stomach: A simple rhyme sums this up: "Smooth and flat. Hit the road if you're fat."
5. Breasts: No matter what a guy tells you, he's looking at your breasts. So do your duty and give him something to look at. Guys shouldn't have to make eye contact. Remember, yours can always be bigger. How big, you say? As long as they don't hide your washboard stomach, you are fine. Implants are always an option.
6. Hair: Color your hair blonde. Enough said.
7. Face: Yours better be fine. If not, plastic surgery can make you look like those Barbies you played with as a child. Guys do not want to have to put a bag over your head during sex.
8. Lips: Guys also want a girl to have perfect lips for the many times a day she should be performing oral sex on him. Get a good lipstick and maybe some collagen if they are too thin. Also practice on lollipops to make sure they are nice and strong. Along with lips goes voice. Nobody likes a chick with a man-voice.
9. Hips: Not too thin, not too wide. Strive for that Coke bottle shape. Anything less is just a waste. We want to see those jeans filled out just right.
10. Vagina: Shaved please. And not too stretched. Guys want the virgin-appeal. Make sure its perfect or you will never have sex again.

So there you have it, ladies. You may thank me later with thanks, general gratitude, or oral sex for saving you time and money on all of the self-help magazines out there. But please only thank me after you have completed all ten steps. The media is right, so please conform. If you havenut been offended by this article, please consider this thought of the day: Special education is a waste of tax dollars.

The Virginia Tech Board of Visitors: American Heroes

Yes, indeed, finally someone has stepped forward. No more using Affirmative Action in admissions. No more having to accept gay people. What a great University. Recently, the B.O.V. held a secret vote (so all those liberal bastards couldn't whine and complain and stupidly protest) to totally abolish Affirmative Action once and for all at Tech. Now, quotas will no longer be used and only the most qualified will get in. Now finally everyone accepted will have gotten in for merit and not for simply being a minority or woman. Best of all, the gay community also took one up the ass. I don't see why this is a problem; I thought that's what gays liked. The University will no longer have to tolerate their rainbow-powered lawsuits and maybe, just maybe, these queerbags will get the message that, "its not okay to be gay, so go away." Sorry, flamers. Tech doesn't have to hire you and no conservative court will ever uphold your homosexual lawsuits. Guess its back to the pet shop for a little hampster pick-me-up for all you Godless fags. Hooray for the Board's decision. They know what Tech's future is, and that is qualified individuals. Gays, minorities, and women should not be given any special treatment because if they want fair treatment they must earn it like everyone else. I only pity the Board for the amount of flaming liberal protests that they will surely have to put up with for weeks and months to come. But fear not Board! They will surely find something else to protest after their meager, Democrat attention spans shifts. They will soon leave you be. Thank you for making Virginia Tech a fair place once again. And to anyone whom I haven't affended, please note the following offensive thought of the day: Christopher Reeves real-life kryptonite requires a saddle, stirrups, carrots, and sugar cubes. And on a side note, screw the French!

Merry Christmas to All

Yes, its now officially Christmas season. A season filled with disgusting things like ads, shitty movies, and morons galore. Everywhere you turn more and more idiots fill your view. There is no escape from them. Turn on the television and poof some shitty movie about Christmas cheer. How can you celebrate Christmas cheer when so many people do so many stupid things? Just ask the Jews. They will agree with me on how much Christmas is overrated. First of all, shopping blows. Who wants to have to go to the mall and buy presents for others? I know I would rather get money than gifts that way its impossible for me to fuck it up. There's no better feeling than opening up a box and finding that inside is some piece of shit gift that you can't return and then lying about how much you love it. And shopping malls full of screaming, crying brats running around yelling how they want this and that. I just want to take every single one of them aside and say, "Look, junior. Stop yelling for Santa to get you this or that. You are a horrible, horrible person who is definitely on the bad kid list. Oh yeah, Santa's not real. Merry fucking Christmas." Next on my list of reasons for hating Christmas: decorations. What a fucking waste of money and time. Ooohh, flashing lights everywhere. Hello, seizureville. And then there's the fucking tree. Look, I love destroying the planet as much as the next miser, but all they do is make your house smell like pine needles, help bugs infest your house, take up space, and create a big mess when you take them down. And who the fuck was the genius that invented mistle toe? Nothing says love like kissing underneath hazardous, poisonous berries. If I want a bitch to kiss me, I don't need mistle toe, just good ole fashioned egg nog. Christmas songs and carols are next on my shit list. Jesus Christ!! These songs annoy me to no end. Little kids coming around begging for cookies through song. Stay off my fucking lawn or I'll rub your face in reindeer shit. Christmas songs require no lyrical talent and just brain-wash everyone into the holiday marketing ploy. And during this season women constantly bitch and nag. The only way to buy them off is with over priced jewelry that puts you in debt for months. Fellas, my best advice to you is to get rid of your woman December 23 and don't get a new one until February 15th. And women, if you want to know what men really want for Christmas, I will tell you. They want a box of condoms and 10 coupons good for 2 minutes of love. And always number one on their lists: your signatures on a prenuptial agreement. So have happy holidays waiting in your lines while your wallets empty faster than a bottle of liquor in the hands of the Bush twins. Enjoy your cookies and getting fat. Have fun calling the exterminator to get rid of the Christmas tree bugs. Be happy when parking lot morons let their kids dent your car doors. And most of all, to all the peons out there, I'll thank you for not including me in your fucking worthless holidays.

Why to Celebrate Thanksgiving

While Thanksgiving is probably not the greatest of holidays in many people's opinion, it certainly is in mine. Only in the United States could you get to celebrate our English ancestors conning the Native Americans (errr..excuse me, I need to call them by their proper name: Indians) out of all of their land so that we could make it into the great nation it is today. Don't worry though, the Indians did not get cheated. They got shiny beads, alcohol, and gambling priveleges on the land that we don't want. Another reason I love Thanksgiving is because I can eat all day long and it is socially acceptable. What could be better than sitting in your recliner with a pecan pie in your hands while watching the Lions lose year after year? The women cook and the men eat their hard work. Besides the eating and watching football, there is also the sleeping part. Mmmmm...precious sleep-bringing turkey. Nothing puts me to sleep better than a nice hunk of turkey, well except for a nice handle of vodka. Yes, Thanksgiving is a time of laziness and gluttony. So as you sit down with your family this Thanksgiving, give thanks for not being poor and remember to put cans of creamed corn on your doorstep for the poor. Those good ole poor people can't get enough creamed corn, let me tell you. They could, and have to, eat creamed corn three times a day. If you have an Indian passed out drunk in his teepee, say thank you by placing a bet on Red, then kick him off his land and claim it for yours. Thanksgiving just wouldn't be right if you didn't.

Why Everyone Should Try to Bone Twins

Face it, guys, there is nothing better than a hot girl...except a hot girl with a twin sister. Why settle for one girl when you can a twin? Not only will you have an excuse for not knowing their names in public, but you will also have a reason for "unknowingly" sleeping with her sister. There is nothing sexier than biological copies of nature. Twins are here for our enjoyment. Face it, you want the Olsen twins. They are undoubtedly hot. Their only drawback is that you can remember what they look like when they were seven, but for some of you that's not really a drawback now is it? Now that they are going to be legal the internet porn site flood-gates will flood with fake celebrity nudes of these two twins. But I am sure you already knew that. Face it, if you get one twin, you are going to want them both, and at the same time. Make sure to ask the twin if you can have a three-some with her sister involved too. Tell her how if she loved you she would do it. That is a sure-fire way to win her over. If successful, it will be the best 4 minutes of your life. Face it; you aren't getting any twins, so in your vengeful nature you will just continue pumping your money into the industry of seeing twins naked. There is nothing wrong with that, because you know they are lesbian in your own self-alleviating world. I know when I see the Man Show Twins dance I know that they spend all their spare time pillow-fighting and Jell-O-wrestling each other. And whenever I see a Coors Light commercial, or start my sentences with conjunctions, I can't help but think: "Here's to future porn models!" And here's to those sexy Olsen twins, whom pedophiles have been sizing up for years.

Why We Should Ship Fat Chicks to Mexico

I hate fat chicks. There are several reasons why I hate fat chicks, number one because they are fat and that means they are improductive. And not only are they improductive, but they think they are hot. Why is it in our society the thin chicks all have eating disorders because they think they are fat, but the fat chicks continue to have eating disorders because they do not think they are fat? And what about all those fat girls who wear tight clothes not made for people their size? You know the ones I am talking about: the women who even circus mirrors can't make look thin. They squeeze themselves into tight pants that make their legs look like fat sausages and parade around in public because they feel they have a right to dress how they want. Well I have a right to tell them to put on clothing or else gouge my eyes out with a spoon. The main problem we encounter with fat chicks is society deems it ok for them to be fat. Parents everywhere need to stop lying to their fat children and telling their fat girls that they look pretty. The internet also needs to take steps in requiring verified pictures of females before issuing them screennames with the words like "sexy" and "hot" and "diva." Instead they should be issued screennames such as "ManCrusher" and "EatsALot." And the DMV needs to stop issuing license plates to fat girls like "IMACUTY." There is nothing worse than speeding up to a car next to you with a license plate only to find that there is a fat chick driving behind the wheel. What can we do with our plethora of fat women? One solution is to send them to hispanic countries, where the men love their women big and lazy. Now they will have more women perfect for child-bearing. Another solution is to put them all in mandatory "Fat Camps," not named with political correctness, since they need to know that being fat is not ok. And for those who are genetically incapable of being thin, they need to be placed on permanent house arrest, with a grocery delivery program set up so that they need to never be seen in public again. Fatty, fatty, two by four, please don't ever leave your house front door.

1. You will have a life-long battle with cancer.
2. Your paranoid suspicions have valid grounding.
3. You will be emotionally destroyed in the near future.
4. Everything you have worked for your entire life will lead to nothing.
5. Your promiscuous daughter has been sexually active since age twelve.
6. There is no reason for you to have hope anymore.
7. Jesus loves everyone but you.
8. Suicide is a viable option for you.
9. Your core values will lead to eternal damnation.
10. Your possessions will soon be taken from you.
11. Do not confide in anyone: your secrets will not be kept confidential.
12. Muhammed Ali will laugh at your Parkinson's disease.
13. Your grotesque features will lead to a divorce.
14. Your marital relationship will be filled with infidelity.
15. Your subconscious homosexuality will consume you with carnal desires.
16. The firefighters will not arrive on time.
17. Puerto Ricans will stab you repeatedly with a switch-blade in an altercation for your tennis shoes.
18. You will be forever haunted by disturbing images in your dreams.

Yes, I may indeed be a Hokie, but I have never sang the praises of Frank Beamer. Everyone in Blacksburg, Virginia, worships the ground this man walks on, figuring that he can part the sea and lead his team to victory, but I would rather have that fat loaf John Madden on the sidelines than Frank Beamer. It's hard to imagine how any team could possibly figure out Virginia Tech's offensive strategy; hmm...maybe we should just guard the middle where they run the ball every play! True, it's hard to want to throw the ball when you have Bryan Randle, aka Akili Smith Jr. at the helm. If Bryan Randle went duck-pin bowling, he would still manage to somehow roll a gutterball. The only thing possibly lower than Randle's completion percentage is Frank Beamer's SAT scores. How can anyone admire a man who places his emphasis on special teams? Sure blocking kicks is nice, but how about we concentrate on finding the end zone for a change? Or maybe let's work on quarterback development! With 37 seconds left and the game on the line I would easily pull Randle and replace him with old no-knees himself, Grant Noel. At least Noel knows better than to throw into triple-coverage or into the middle of the field with no timeouts remaining. Hats off to Virginia Tech's defense this week, who look like they took tackling lessons from Deion Sanders. You have a better chance of stopping a chili dog on its way to Rosie O'Donnel's mouth than having a Tech defensive lineman stop a Pittsburgh running back. Gee, I can hardly ponder why other schools always claim that we are overrated. But in fairness to Tech, college football sucks and there is always the alluring hope that maybe our women's basketball team can bring Tech back into the NCAA limelight. Thanks again for everyone who continues to throw their support behind Frank Beamer, the most overrated coach since Barry Switzer. Until Beamer is let go, Tech will continue to win easy conference games and get everyone's hopes up until Beamer finds some way to screw Virginia Tech out of a national title game chance. Frank Beamer's offensive strategy is as predictable as a Dave Letterman monologue. And that you can take straight to the bank.