Whatever happened to mom?
By Gil Ronen
Yediot Acharonot, February 24, 2004
My wife’s birthday was February 22, “Family Day” – what was once called “Mothers’ Day.” We have been separated for the last two and a half years, but lately there has been a renewed closeness between us. Last Saturday night, on the eve of her birthday, I found myself, together with our children, at her house. We surprised her with cake and balloons, and the kids gave her a decorated photo album. I can’t remember her being so happy in quite some time. And I don’t remember our kids so happy either. And me? Don’t ask.
Suddenly I found myself pining for mothers’ day. Once, before the age of feminism, it was a day on which children and husbands said thank you to their devoted mothers and wives, who sacrificed so much for them every day of the year, and did not always get their due appreciation.
That was another time, no doubt: there was a special honor to being a mother, and only a mother. As opposed to what we’re allowed to think today, a mother’s honor was no less than that granted a businessman or doctor. Sure, it was a different kind of honor—but not a lesser kind. Our society knew how to appreciate quiet devotion, sacrifice, a mother’s softness and feminine grace. Women did not feel the need to measure themselves and their achievements by a masculine yardstick.
What have we gained from the feminist revolution?
It would seem that we have made some progress since then. Today we see the old feminine role as contemptible. A woman who refuses to make her career her top priority is the object of ridicule. A woman who sees herself as a mother and wife above all else, and has no particular career aspirations is seen as ridiculous and backwards. We have numerous female doctors, lawyers, corporate executives, pilots, and journalists. There is no job that a woman cannot aspire to and attain, and any insulting comments aimed at women are considered criminal. Women still earn less than men on the average, and still do not serve in elite combat units in the army, but by and large, the goals of the feminist revolution have been achieved.
We should now ask ourselves: what did we really get out of all of this? It would seem that we have advanced the status of women. But has there really been progress? There is no doubt that feminism advanced women who are by nature ambitious, egocentric, power-oriented, and pushy. But what about women who are not like that? What about quiet women, who are not looking for a battle, and who don’t think in terms of money and fame? What about women who are quite content to make due with love and the satisfaction of a harmonious family life and of childrearing – a satisfaction that for many (including many men) is second to none?
Be honest, who do you think is more secure and happy – a female bank manager who never started a family because her work always came first, and who goes home each evening to an empty apartment, or a housewife with four strong, happy, and successful children, a caring, proud, and loving husband? Who has it better – a woman who settles for a “women’s” job like teaching or childcare, and feels no need to compete with her husband over the size of the paycheck or importance of the job, or the woman who for years struggles with her husband over power, respect, and control, and finally divorces him, or stayed out of marriage altogether, and raises her child alone, with no one’s shoulder to lean on, no one to rely on, no one with whom to share the experience of parenthood? How many women really manage to balance family and career over time, and how many are eventually left with neither?
Equality instead of harmony
We are living in a time of a difficult war and recession. At such times a society has fewer resources and less desire to invest in experiments like the feminist experiment, and there arises a natural yearning for the image of the man who protects and provides. We can lament this tendency, or we can see it as a blessing. No, there’s no need to return to the days prior to feminism. We must not return to the widespread treatment of women as sex objects. Derision of women’s ability to equal men in every field of action, creation, and thought, should never be allowed to return. Any woman with special talents who wants to put her life into a career, must never be prevented from doing so. A woman who is the victim of a sexual assault must never be treated in a disrespectful or degrading way. Tyrannical and unfaithful husbands must know that they will pay for their behavior.
But none of this says that we can’t return to the values that we abandoned on the road to “progress.” Here, we’ve replaced mothers’ day with family day – but what family can survive and prosper without a devoted mother and supportive wife? What family can succeed in its mission—raising healthy, sound, and happy children – if mom and dad are in constant competition and trying to be “equals,” instead of living in harmony, and deriving pleasure from what unites them, and to complement each as nature intended?
We are always looking for recipes for good sex, and rightfully so: it is an essential ingredient of a healthy relationship. But is there a man more sexy to a woman than a man who is successful and self-confident, who commands real respect and power? Is there a woman more attractive to a man than one who projects tenderness and warmth? Is it really that important to us, as a society, to make men softer and women more macho? Aren’t we thus unwittingly hurting the sexual tension that attracts him to her and her to him, the glue that joins us and makes us one, into couples that live to old age in love and happiness?
For the children's sake
So we have “Family Day,” but we have fewer and fewer families. The number of weddings is declining, the number of children who live in single-parent households is rising, and their chances to succeed in life are significantly less than those of children that grow up with two parents.
For the sake of our children – who want both mom and dad, and want them together, in the same home – let’s not give up on the “classic” family, the harmonious two-parent household. Let’s bring back the at-home mother – the mother who invests her entire being in her family and joins all its parts. Let us never forget the lessons we have learned in the age of feminism, but the time has come to progress once again. Let’s bring back mothers’ day.
The author is the head of the Israel Lobby for the Family
(Translated by Daniel Breslau)