Animal Jokes:

Seeing-eye Dog 1

There are two guys, one with a Doberman Pincher and one with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're really very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

Well-read

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

Seeing-eye Dog 2

This blind guy, wearing dark glasses, a trench coat and using a walking cane, goes into a video store with his German shepherd seeing eye dog. The blind guy proceeds to walk around for a few minutes then picks his dog up by the tail and swirls him around in circles above his head, The clerk notices this alarming sight and says "Hey Mac!!! What the heck are you doing??!!!" The blind guy replies back...."just looking around"

Elephant Humor

Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience. The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat." The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.

Equal Opportunity

One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer." A dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "Okay, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the typewriter and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly typed.

The manager, looking to stump the dog, said: "Here is a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position," he said. "You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

Great Dane & Chihuahua

A Scotsman went to a pub with his Great Dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside [outside] and went in to have a pint o' bitter. A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walked in and the following conversation ensued:

Second man: Is that your dog outside?

First man: Aye. What of it?

Second man: Well, I think my dog may'a killed 'im.

First man, stunned: What kind'a dog you got that can kill a Great Dane?

Second man: Well, e's a Chihuahua.

First man: Ha! 'ow can a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?

Second man: Well, I think the wee thing may'a gotten stuck in 'is throat

How to Photograph Your Puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. 8.Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
12. Put magazines back on coffee table.
13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, no outside!"
16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess.
17. Fix a snack.
18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, eat your snack and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

How to Give Your Cat a Pill in 10 Easy Steps

1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.
2. With right hand, stroke cat's throat until it opens its mouth (be patient). Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
4. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Hold cat as before, but hold down its front paws with forearm. Drop pill into mouth.
5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.
6. Get new pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.
7. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.
8. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).
9. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.
10. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours, then repeat.

Do you know any good animal jokes?  If so, email them to us and we'll post them here with your name.