James has been receiving tons of emails from everyone... thanks! We've had a blast reading your responses to James's stupidity.

 

 

This is James McCabe's essay on Spotted Owls.  He actually submitted this for a grade.

 

James hasn't been to classes in 6 weeks or so.  James was hammered one night and decided to check out his teacher’s website and see what the class was up to.  He noticed he had an essay due the following day.  The topic… Spotted Owls… James decided to tackle this assignment right then and there.

 

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The professor he submitted this to asked James for permission to post this as a “What Not to Write” paper.

 

The following is what he submitted:

James McCabe

jmccabe@vt.edu

Assignment # 8: Owl vs. Owl

 

I did not give nor receive any unauthorized help on this assignment, and all work contained herein is, unfortunately, my own: _____________________.

 

            Spotted owls are stupid.  They can’t live anywhere that isn’t hundreds of years old and untouched by human hands and they breed themselves into extinction by mating with a natural enemy and potential predator, the barred owl.  They are simply stupid, and out of all animals, they are quite possibly the ones most deserved of an untimely death.

            If we as humans want to preserve animals, we need to do so with animals that actually serve some purpose to us.  The spotted owl does nothing for our progression as a species.  By saving and preserving the spotted owl, we must save and preserve its habit, which keeps us from logging those forests and puts premium timber at a greater risk for fire and other natural disasters.  To me that is a waste just to save a species that, if even observed by humans, it is disturbed by their noise and subsequently dies.

            If an animal is going to be naturally extinct, why should humans step in and try to save that animal?  The barred owl is not an exotic, it is domestic to the Pacific Northwest just like the Spotted owl.  The only difference being that the barred owl is not so picky about what it eats and the surroundings that it lives in.  My point?  The barred owl is not a little bitch like the spotted owl, and it can take a few loggers walking around here and there without keeling over and dying.  Adaptivity is the key to survival: we as humans must constantly adapt to a changing environment in order to survive.  Maladaption, in a human sense, is a sign of mental disorder.  Therefore, spotted owls are characteriscally mentally retarded and should be seperated from other owls and properly taunted by their peers.

Through all this, one name springs to mind: Darwin.  The barred owl is obviously the “fittest” of the two species.  So why then are we trying to save an animal that is naturally being killed by a stronger, more adept species?  That is like promoting the death of humans to save prehistoric globs of amphibious sludge because in this harsh world those globs just aren’t up to the task. Spotted owls, take note.  You serve no purpose, I have a gun, and your feathers make a pretty neat hat.

 

 

 

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